Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together." -Liz Taylor

These are the words of a true woman. Of course, at my age, minus the "pour yourself a drink" part.

I don't know what it is, but I've been having some emotionally rough days. I'd like to just say I've got the end of summer blues, and am anxious about my junior year, or my diabetes, or something. But I think it's a lot deeper than that.

I've never been good with emotions. And by emotions, I mean my own emotions. Sure when I'm sad I cry, and when I'm happy I laugh, but that's about all I show on the outside about my own emotions. I've gotten really good about hiding my own emotions and helping my peers--and sometimes adults in my life--sort through their own emotions. I've learned to ignore my own, and I can't tell you why I thought this was an important skill to have. It's something I just picked up from somewhere.

I'm stressed. I'm terrified to start my junior year, and I feel like this is it. If I screw up this year, I can't go anywhere and do anything that I want. It's this pathological fear of failing. I think I get it from being an only child. If I had myself a sibling, then maybe I'd be able to not only have a partner in crime with my parents and continue torturing them in even more fun and exciting ways than I can solo, but I'd also have someone to fall back on if I mess up, or if I need help. People always tell me how lucky I am to be an only child, but I'm pretty sure it's the biggest curse in the entire world.

My A1c is getting way better, but for anyone who is reading and their A1c is high, don't make the only reason that you get your A1c down is so your mom will leave you alone. She doesn't leave you alone. Every time my blood sugar is over 150 (WHICH IS NOT THAT HIGH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) she threatens me with "Do you want a shot in the eye?" We recently found out a therapy for diabetic retinopathy is getting shots in your eyeballs. And so that's the newest threat. It was "You're never gonna have kids." before that, and before that "Fine, you can just lose your kidneys/eyes/feet/hands/toes/fingers/any other body part imaginable." I understand where she's coming from, but at the same time it drives me up the wall, and makes me feel terrible about myself. I feel like I can't tell her what my blood sugars are anymore, and when I do tell her on the off chance that they're good, she thinks I'm lying. And yes, I know you're thinking "Ugh, why doesn't she just talk to her mother, things will get better." Believe me, I've tried. She's just stubborn, as I am, so not a lot gets done through that.

My life is nothing short of amazing. And it's nothing short of utterly confusing either. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm only sixteen, and things will get better. I've been dealt a very mature hand in life, and I just had to grow up a lot earlier than my peers. I hope they catch up sooner or later, because this waiting around stuff totally stinks.

 So back to the words of Liz Taylor. This woman was and is still today a genius. Her words sometimes prove to be more true than I ever thought they would be. Sometimes in life, you just have to put your big girl panties on and deal with the crap you're being fed. And as a firm believe that lipstick can completely turn your day around, and if you just grin and bear it things will get better. So, my dears, if you're having a bad day, just remember:

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together."

Much love,

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